Dear Roseanne,

HELP! My daughter and my husband (he’s her stepdad) bicker constantly over politics. Actually, it’s more than bickering; their views are as different as night and day, and it’s really stinking up our time together. If I beg or order them to stop, they will, grudgingly, but a hostile ‘vibe’ hangs in the air. She’s sixteen and won’t be leaving home anytime soon (not that I want her to, she’s a great kid aside from this situation which has been going on for maybe a year, now).

I’m starting to feel like running away from home! I’ll end like I started: HELP!?

…Freaking Out In Chicago

Dear Freaking Out,

You mean there are families that don’t bicker (or worse) constantly? I’m kidding, luckily my kids have all grown up to be pretty reasonable and pleasant adults (Knock on wood!), but I remember the Teen Years and they weren’t a pretty story. Maybe you could insist on certain rooms (and, say, the car) as being non-hostile territory, and find a way to enforce that, like threatening to poison their food or shoot them with a spray bottle if they break the rules (it works on puppies!). Seriously, though, my grandson has gotten into this formal debating thing at school and it’s awesome the way civilized people have developed a whole organized system whereby people can argue out issues with a time limit and an agreed-upon and moderated set of rules. Try to talk your husband and daughter into corralling their arguments into just a couple a week where you moderate. There’s a stopwatch on your phone, so you can time their opening statements, rebuttals, the whole bit. It’s all online if you search DEBATING. Or, you can just keep telling them (LOUDER) to shut up. You have to do something, and you can’t give them the satisfaction that your running away from home would provide them.

Dear Roseanne,

Our son (our only ‘child’) is twenty six and married to a woman with a troubling attitude on an issue near to our hearts: Grandchildren. They’ve been married for two-and-a-half years, and we’re not rushing or pressuring them, but we thought having kids was something they both agreed was ‘in the cards’ for them, but can you believe this? They got a dog about a year into their marriage and it’s like the dog is the most important part of their lives. The last time I hinted around about them starting a family, our daughter-in-law said, “Oh, I don’t think ‘Chelsea’ would take kindly to having a rival for our affection. She’s all the baby we need.” I thought I’d faint, and when I looked at my son he was beaming at the dog like a proud father. Yuck! My husband says they’ll change their minds, but I find the whole thing troubling. Would you?

…Would-Be Grandma

Dear Would-Be,

I feel for you; I have a little granddaughter on the way and I’m excited and already picking out matching baby-and-grandmother ballerina outfits! But, my daughter waited a long time to become a mom, so I think you should try your best to let things roll for awhile longer – not that you have a choice, but you can have some control over how hard you take things like this. Kids have the damndest way of not doing what you want, and once they’re big and out of the house your odds of getting your way go down, big time. I agree, a year-and-a-half is a long honeymoon for a couple and their dog, but you have to at least pretend like you respect your kids’ feelings unless they involve something illegal or really dangerous. Try dropping a hint, again, but way down the road, and maybe just try it separately with your son, and don’t make it sound whiney or bossy. Remember, lots of people are putting off having kids longer and longer, or not having any – period. Bottom line: Your son and his wife are still young. Relax and lighten up. It’s better for all involved!

Dear Roseanne,

I’ve been with a great guy for exactly a year now, and only one thing about him is troubling, but it’s not exactly a trifle. We had a pretty torrid physical relationship, at first, and I know things cool down a lot in that area for couples, but it feels like our sex life is way cooled down, and I’m thinking that if it’s like this after just one year, then….I’m sure you see where I’m going with that, Right? I have two friends I’ve talked to about it. One says that I should communicate my feelings better, but should I really have to talk a healthy, thirty-one-year-old guy into wanting to be intimate with me more than a couple times a month? My other friend says guys are all into porn on the Internet and have taken sex into their own hands, so to speak. Yecchh! Really? Anyway, things are good, otherwise, with us. Is this just the way it is?

…What’s Wrong with THIS Picture?

Hi, What’s Wrong,

Well, Honey, (may I call you ‘Honey?).. It’s the way it is in YOUR situation, and comparing things to other peoples’ lives or even the way you think things ‘should’ be, doesn’t bring much to the table. You’re right: talking about it might be productive, but like you also said: “Really?” I have some experience with relationships (maybe you heard) and things can go in cycles. At the negative extremes, it can go from “What’s WRONG with you? Get OFF ME!!” to “Oh, are you still here?” More often, guys can show almost no interest for awhile and then come back around to being really affectionate and, to use a term from medical science, horny. By the way, I know that lots of talking about your relationship with your partner has been in style for awhile, now, but I don’t like it. If you have to talk it about it too much then you’re not just comfortably being in it or ‘doing it’ (and I don’t mean that in the S-E-X way). But, OK, I’ll quit talking about it, my damn self, by wrapping it up like this: Yeah, a couple times a month does seem a little sparse for people your age in a relationship just a year old. If he’s a great guy, maybe you should try to delicately bring it up in a way that doesn’t feel like criticism or pressure. Let me know how it works, OK?

Dear Roseanne,

I watched you from the time I was in junior high; you were my TV mom and I loved the way you dealt with issues with Darlene and Becky. I’m coming to you, now, because my real mom has been getting on my main nerve for years with something she just can’t seem to give up on. I’m in my late thirties, I’m single and I’m fine with it – HONEST! My mom is kind of traditional (to put it kindly), and has never let up with her low-grade pressure as far as my ‘meeting the right guy,’ ‘settling down’ (it’s not like I’m ‘UN-settled’), and all the rest of that stuff. I’ve tried every way I know how to explain that I’m used to being single, I like it and don’t feel something missing in my life, etc. etc. She’ll lighten up for awhile, but even when she does, she manages to make her disappointment known. I’m out of ways to get her to understand and accept, and I don’t want to let this cause me to not want to be around her, but it’s getting there, and it’s a shame because she’s not getting any younger and she’s a good and loving person aside from this stubborn blockage in our way. Can you think of anything that might work?

…Mother, PLEASE?!

…Mother, PLEASE?!,

Your question got saved for last for a reason:  I feel a little conflicted, because there was a time when I was all about seeing my daughters get happily ‘married off’ (I know, the feminist in me cringes a little and always did to even use that old term), but it’s sort of a protective instinct born of love and biology and maybe a little healthy fear. Still, at the end of the day, it comes down to having respect for our adult offsprings’ feelings and lifestyles, and I’m with you: your mom HAS to summon up non-judgmental acceptance for your choices with living your life. A lot has changed in the last couple of generations and we can’t ‘force the foot to fit the shoe’ and cram ourselves into roles we don’t want to play in order to please our parents or anyone else. I don’t know enough about your mom to give her advice beyond what I just provided, but she’s going to have to find comfort and fulfillment in something she finds or does for herself. I hope she can do that before it spoils things between the two of you. Good Luck!